Things that can't be undone...

This post is going to be sad, full of self pity, and self loathing. If you don't want to read something like that... please just move on now...     Its not a pretty story, it's not grammatically correct.. I am not going to go back over it and fix typos or spelling, or structure errors. It is what it is.. my story.


And another disclaimer - this was written after working all night, sleeping maybe 3 hours, and really being tired, emotional, missing my daughter, worried I am a bad mom, etc..

Today, on this Good Friday, thoughts of how Jesus died for our sins..  this has been my biggest sin. One I hope God can forgive me for.






All my life I have made mistakes. I have let others opinions or thoughts lead me to do a lot of things I probably shouldn't have, or wouldn't have done, if I had been strong enough, smart enough or brave enough to say NO!

But I didn't have what a lot of young girls today have.. The internet..  the vast knowledge and experiences of millions of other people out there. Sharing with everyone.  I didn't have all the varying opinions that are posted in so many blog posts, Facebook status graphics, etc.   So I made a lot more mistakes than I hope my children ever do.



My biggest mistake, regret, something I can't forget, or ever forgive myself for happened about 31 years ago. I was barely 20. Married with a 3 year old.


I was pregnant. My husband was not happy about it. I wasn't working. We were very poor,  He said we needed an abortion....   I didn't argue with him. 

I wish I had, had someone to talk to, or been strong enough to say no.. leave me if you want, I can't do this...  but I was afraid. Afraid to be alone, afraid to lose the man I love, afraid of so much. My mother was not around, and she was not someone I could have talked about this with anyway. I don't think I even have ever told my very best friend in the world.. who I have shared everything else with. 

I wish the internet and THIS blog had been around then..  I wish Mandy had been my friend.. but I don't think she was even born then, or perhaps she was a baby, perhaps my baby could have been just like her,

After reading her blog the other day I broke down. 

I was non functioning the entire day.. my husband came home, I asked him to take me to dinner.. 

I sat at the table at Cotton Patch, crying, telling him how I felt about what we did all those years ago..   

He apologized, told me it was all his fault. Said he should never have asked me to do it. I kept saying what if we hadn't..  He tried to rationalize things, saying I had miscarried so many other times, there was no guarantee that baby would have made it anyway..  

But that baby didn't have a chance. I killed someone.

I need to make it abundantly clear - I do NOT blame my husband for any of this. I made the choice, I didn't have to do it. I was weak..  He loved me enough to marry me twice..  he would not have left me if I had chosen to NOT do this.. I know this now, after being together so long..  but at 20, I was afraid.

This line from Mandy's blog hit me hardest - 

How many women who've chosen that route regret it with all their heart? How many wish someone- anyone- would have stopped them, even if it hurt them to hear the truth? Wouldn't it be more loving for me to tell to my child to stop running out in the road while I run after him to stop him? By speaking up, I might stop him with my words before he gets there, and save him from terrible pain or even death. And unspeakable sadness.

I still remember the entire event clearly..  at 51 a lot of things fade. I honestly can't remember a lot about labor with my oldest child..   my delivery of my second - a c-section in which I was awake..  I forget a lot of things...    But not this event. 

The waiting room was filled with people.  Several younger women with young men like my husband, a couple of older women with young girls. Some girls sitting alone..

Then they called me in. I left my husband in that waiting room, while I went and let them kill our baby.

I remember the sound of the machine, I remember crying and the nurse telling me to stop, I chose this.

I remember the "recovery" room.. a room with a few beds with girls in them, and about a dozen plastic chairs filled with other girls, women..

I tried to say life was going to be better, or ok after it all.  I shut it out as best as I could, but it's still there.

I cannot forget, I cannot forgive myself. I can't get past this. 

Now -  I am so against abortion, my husband also is. It took us growing up to realize the magnitude of what we did.  On the internet it is there daily..  slapping us in the face. Yes I support all anti abortion posts..  Yes I never want my children to make that choice. I don't want another baby to die because its mother was too afraid to say NO...    I know God doesn't want another innocent life to be lost, because it's mother is to afraid to say no..


Please forgive me if you can for what a stupid young girl did..  Please don't take your friendship because I did something stupid. But if you do I totally understand..  I hate myself already. I hate what I did. I hate that I will never know what that child could have been. 

I want to forgive myself. I hope God forgives me. I think if he had been more a part of my life when I was younger, I would never have done what I did.

And please go read Mandy's blog..  Biblical Homemaking