Six years ago...

Six years ago my life changed in ways I could never imagine.

I first lost my big sister, followed less than 5 months later by my mom, and then my dad.

Six years ago today was the last time I saw my father alive.

My father killed himself Labor Day weekend 2005. It took me YEARS to get over the guilt that "I should have known"...

Since I WAS the last one to see him alive... the last one to speak to him...  I should have known, shouldn't I??

I told him I loved him, and to drive safely...   his last words to me were "Love you too kiddo"...

I thought I was over the guilt, and the pain, and all that came along with his death... then tonight it's just hurting my heart greatly.  Once again, I think... "I should have known.... "

How different life would be if he were still here..

But he's not, I can't change it, I probably couldn't have changed it six years ago...   But I still wonder... what would have happened if I had known..  How could I have stopped him? How could I convince him he still had so much to live for? He had myself, my 2 younger sisters, grandchildren, a brother, nieces and nephews... so many people that loved him...  

In the end, it was his decision, his choice, and in reality I KNOW it's not my fault... but I still feel guilty.

I loved my dad, even though he was riddled with faults, and made some horrible life choices throughout his 64 years. He was my dad...

He taught me to ride a 2 wheeler in the basement of our home in Alaska...

He brought me orchids back from Hawaii,

One Christmas when I was very young, he drove back to Dublin from Saticoy to get my teddy bear Theodore, because I couldn't sleep without him.

I miss my dad..     I miss my mom too...  I even miss my sister Laura, who I rarely got along with as an adult.

And I do feel guilt.. even though I KNOW I shouldn't.

I hate Labor Day weekend..