Friday, April 18, 2014

Things that can't be undone...

This post is going to be sad, full of self pity, and self loathing. If you don't want to read something like that... please just move on now...     Its not a pretty story, it's not grammatically correct.. I am not going to go back over it and fix typos or spelling, or structure errors. It is what it is.. my story.

And another disclaimer - this was written after working all night, sleeping maybe 3 hours, and really being tired, emotional, missing my daughter, worried I am a bad mom, etc..

Today, on this Good Friday, thoughts of how Jesus died for our sins..  this has been my biggest sin. One I hope God can forgive me for.

All my life I have made mistakes. I have let others opinions or thoughts lead me to do a lot of things I probably shouldn't have, or wouldn't have done, if I had been strong enough, smart enough or brave enough to say NO!

But I didn't have what a lot of young girls today have.. The internet..  the vast knowledge and experiences of millions of other people out there. Sharing with everyone.  I didn't have all the varying opinions that are posted in so many blog posts, Facebook status graphics, etc.   So I made a lot more mistakes than I hope my children ever do.

My biggest mistake, regret, something I can't forget, or ever forgive myself for happened about 31 years ago. I was barely 20. Married with a 3 year old.

I was pregnant. My husband was not happy about it. I wasn't working. We were very poor,  He said we needed an abortion....   I didn't argue with him. 

I wish I had, had someone to talk to, or been strong enough to say no.. leave me if you want, I can't do this...  but I was afraid. Afraid to be alone, afraid to lose the man I love, afraid of so much. My mother was not around, and she was not someone I could have talked about this with anyway. I don't think I even have ever told my very best friend in the world.. who I have shared everything else with. 

I wish the internet and THIS blog had been around then..  I wish Mandy had been my friend.. but I don't think she was even born then, or perhaps she was a baby, perhaps my baby could have been just like her,
After reading her blog the other day I broke down. 

I was non functioning the entire day.. my husband came home, I asked him to take me to dinner.. 

I sat at the table at Cotton Patch, crying, telling him how I felt about what we did all those years ago..   

He apologized, told me it was all his fault. Said he should never have asked me to do it. I kept saying what if we hadn't..  He tried to rationalize things, saying I had miscarried so many other times, there was no guarantee that baby would have made it anyway..  

But that baby didn't have a chance. I killed someone.

I need to make it abundantly clear - I do NOT blame my husband for any of this. I made the choice, I didn't have to do it. I was weak..  He loved me enough to marry me twice..  he would not have left me if I had chosen to NOT do this.. I know this now, after being together so long..  but at 20, I was afraid.

This line from Mandy's blog hit me hardest - 

I still remember the entire event clearly..  at 51 a lot of things fade. I honestly can't remember a lot about labor with my oldest child..   my delivery of my second - a c-section in which I was awake..  I forget a lot of things...    But not this event. 

The waiting room was filled with people.  Several younger women with young men like my husband, a couple of older women with young girls. Some girls sitting alone..

Then they called me in. I left my husband in that waiting room, while I went and let them kill our baby.

I remember the sound of the machine, I remember crying and the nurse telling me to stop, I chose this.

I remember the "recovery" room.. a room with a few beds with girls in them, and about a dozen plastic chairs filled with other girls, women..

I tried to say life was going to be better, or ok after it all.  I shut it out as best as I could, but it's still there.

I cannot forget, I cannot forgive myself. I can't get past this. 

Now -  I am so against abortion, my husband also is. It took us growing up to realize the magnitude of what we did.  On the internet it is there daily..  slapping us in the face. Yes I support all anti abortion posts..  Yes I never want my children to make that choice. I don't want another baby to die because its mother was too afraid to say NO...    I know God doesn't want another innocent life to be lost, because it's mother is to afraid to say no..

Please forgive me if you can for what a stupid young girl did..  Please don't take your friendship because I did something stupid. But if you do I totally understand..  I hate myself already. I hate what I did. I hate that I will never know what that child could have been. 

I want to forgive myself. I hope God forgives me. I think if he had been more a part of my life when I was younger, I would never have done what I did.

And please go read Mandy's blog..  Biblical Homemaking

Monday, April 7, 2014

Catching up...

Haven't really posted much lately, except the photos from our trip to San Francisco.. So here's a blog to sort of play "catch-up"  

Updates about our kids - First our sons ---  

Our oldest son Steven has been busy, He recently built this very cool little bitty arcade game..

Stevens Tiny Arcade

It's been posted in several articles around the internet..

Needless to say I am one VERY proud mama :)

He started a new job a few months back, and seems to be very happy. He is living about 3o minutes away, but still comes over very frequently for our Sunday Family dinners..  I am so happy he does. I love seeing him regularly! 

Michael came home in December from spending several months in New Orleans helping to care for his grandpa, his grandpas girlfriend, and another member of their extended family.  He gave them all the love and care he had, I am sure his grandpa really appreciated it..  (Daryl's father passed away the end of December)
For now, Michael is still unemployed. Spending a lot of time on his computer, he is very creative and smart. 

Daryl, his dad, and Michael - at a family wedding last September. Michael had been taking care of his grandpa for a little over 2 months at this time.. and he stayed until mid December.

And our beautiful daughters -- 

Becca has been at Texas Tech since last August. She is finishing up her sophomore year. Majoring in BioChemistry. She's a smart girl.  She has made some really great friends there, and has had a VERY active social life.  She never really dated while in high school, always had the same boyfriend from the beginning. But she is single now for almost a year, and has been enjoying it. I love getting the phone calls hearing about the fun she is having, but I always make sure to ask how school is going. She is keeping her grades up, while working part time, and still finding time to go out with friends..   She is becoming so mature and hopefully making all the good choices we want for her..   She was home for spring break a couple of weeks ago, and will be home for the summer the end of May. But in August, she and her friends are moving into their own apartment in Lubbock. So she will have her own "home", instead of just a dorm room.
one of her "selfies" she  sent in a text to me

My girls when we picked Jessica up at the airport last month. 


Jessica has been the one constant in our life.. even when Michael was in New Orleans, and Becca off at school, Jessie was still here. She and her dad have become a lot closer since I started working last fall. They have their time together to watch TV, they have their "inside jokes", and I am really glad they have bonded so much more.  Jessie turned 17 in February. She now has a learners permit, and is getting ready for her license.  In March, she traveled with the Dorothy Shaw Bell Choir on tour to Great Britain. They visited and performed in London, Scotland, and Wales. She had a wonderful time. 

Jessie and some of her friends in England on the bell choir tour. 

Our  Granddaughter - our beautiful Raylen, has been super busy with girl scouts, school, losing a couple of teeth, and being amazingly awesome :)

Daryl and I have been doing well. Health issues here and there getting us, but we keep on going.
He's been busy with work, and keeping things fixed around here, and at his mothers. He is such a good son, taking care of her, and being there for her when she needs or wants him.

I started my new job at American Airlines last fall. It is going very well. I love what I do, and enjoy talking to people while setting up their reservations. I worked days at first, and the last shift bid I got a night shift. It's a lot different. Very slow compared to day shift, but I enjoyed them both. Not sure what I will choose next time around.

With my job we have the privilege of non-revenue, space available travel.  - which means we can travel standby. 

Last November my dear friend Marianne and I flew for the day to Chicago, it was a lot of fun. 

We left VERY early on a Saturday morning, and got home very late that night. But we managed to squeeze a LOT into our one day there.  Did a little bit of the "Ferris Bueller" thing.. Went to the Aquarium, Sears Tower - Now called Willis Tower, visited The Art Institute, rode the top of a double decker tour bus.. and generally had a lot of fun. 

It was cold on top of the double decker bus.. but we had fun. 

Becca has used her non-rev privileges to fly home a couple of times from school - But we haven't really used them much in the 6 months I have been working there. Daryl and I did go to San Francisco last month, and we want to go other places, but it's just finding time, and extra $$ for the hotels, rental car, etc. 

Nothing else very exciting going on.. just the general busyness of our lives.  Jess still has a little over a year left of homeschool high school. Then she wants to go to college to be an archaeologist. So we are investigating what she needs for that now. Getting her to start studying and bringing her math scores up so she can take SATS in the fall. Math is her weakest subject, she really REALLY dislikes it. But I know she will do ok, as long as she is as determined as she appears to be.

We lost Tom, Jessica's cat a week and a half ago. He was old, and his body just gave out. He was a very good pet for our Jessie. She got him when she was 2, she used to push him around in her doll buggy, carry him like a baby, and he never seemed to object.

A year ago we lost Jill, Michaels dog. 
But we still have 2 cats, and 2 dogs..  Daryl did ask us to wait a while, and just stay with 4 pets for a while. I agreed with him totally. 
God has blessed us in so many ways. We had some bumps in the road the past few months, but that has just strengthened our family.  

Life is good. 


Saturday, March 15, 2014

San Francisco

Daryl and I took a weekend trip to San Francisco last weekend.   One of the amazing perks of being an American Airlines employee, is our non-rev privileges.   We had a nice time, saw things I have never seen, and enjoyed just being there together, just the two of us. 

Here are a few highlights in photos..    

Breakfast at the hotel both mornings.. I made our waffles.. Daryl had berry, I had plain :)  

Daryl  asked me to get a photo of the Bing Street view camera vehicle..  

Painted Ladies - houses shown in credits of "Full House" 

Can't go to SF without visiting Ghiradelli Square

Our First view of the Golden Gate Bridge 

Baby Tardis??  

We visited Fort Point, at the base of the Golden Gate Bridge. 

This was one place Daryl really liked.. Fort Point..  

Cannonballs at Fort Point

Ocean Beach - First visit to the Pacific Ocean since I was a child..  

Daryl being a good shoe holder :) he didn't want to take his off..  

Alcatraz Island

Where we ate at on Pier 39

Took a drive through some beautiful scenery

Tunnel through a mountain

Over view of Gray Whale Beach

At Gray Whale Beach

At Gray Whale Beach

Rockaway Beach in Pacifica California. Where I wouldn't mind living..